It takes a fool to remain sane

Here's an old blog post I never published. Now, almost another year have passed and I am ready to share it with you. Spoiler - I think I am taking on the challenge full speed and it is going okay so far!

— Written in the spring 2020

When I try to invite you to a dip into the content of my head I struggle to present it in a way that makes sense. My thoughts jump from one place to another, from dreams I had the other night to why I think positional defence makes most sense in training and everything before, in between, above, below and beyond that.

I simply have to accept that this is how I am right now. I feel like there’s so much that needs to be outpoured somewhere so that I can find a red thread in what it is that I actually know and what holds actual value.

I’ve never been someone that calls people to discuss every small detail of my everyday life but now I am wondering if maybe that means that I am like a hard drive that now need to put the files in order to function to the very best capacity.

This blog feels like a safe space. It is for me to write to get ready for future challenges. It is for me to be as ego as I want to and it is for me to write for whoever might be reading. Of course, when one is doing anything official it is never a safe space. Anything you say or write can be used against you and blown up. That is a risk I feel willing to take right now. It kind of ads an extra layer of pressure to be totally honest about what I really feel. As long as you can stand for your thoughts and actions, it doesn’t matter what people think, or? I’ve always used public pressure as motivation to keep going within football.

To navigate life together with other people isn’t always easy. I think I’ve sometimes experienced some situations where relationships gone bad and honestly I think I am very scared to get too close to people as a result from that. Many times I’ve felt misunderstood and unfairly treated and I think I’ve created a way to live my life where I don’t have to feel those feelings again.

What is funny is that what you do within one area of your life, you might not be able to apply in other areas. I often tell other goalkeepers to dare to fail and go again, but when it comes to deep social connection I tend to do the opposite. So, challenge to myself is to stay long enough in a friendship that I develop deep connection. Now, being 37 years old and moving around a lot is challenging. It is not easy finding grown-up friends. We are all invested in our own lives and sometimes it feels as if the train has already left the station. If you were closed up between 20-25 then you missed the opportunity. But, I am willing to try. After the summer the family and I will start a new adventure. A new chance. A new culture. A new country. A new chance to form connections with people we meet. Life always gives you new chances, you just have to be ready to grab hold of them. I am going to try, even if it will involve some shit down that road. Even if I get hurt. It is about time.